(Video uploaded 05/2023)

Transcript

Heading: Your Guidance Counts – Raising Your Child with Positive Parenting

Narrator: Your Guidance Counts – Raising Your Child with Positive Parenting

Every parent gets angry or feels disappointed with their child at times. Yet, every child wants to be seen as good and bright. When they are not behaving up to expectations, it's not because they're naughty. Instead, they have some difficulties that keep them from doing well.

Super: Appropriate and Assertive Guidance; D-E-A-R

Narrator: To get your child to cooperate, parents are encouraged to provide Appropriate and Assertive Guidance, which is represented by A in D-E-A-R that summarises the key elements of Positive Parenting.

Appropriate instructions are those that match a child's development and ability. For example, at around 1 year old, a child can follow simple instructions such as sit down. They may sit for a while before they start moving again. They may not be able to stay seated to complete a task until they reach 3 or 4 in age. If a parent's demands are beyond the child's ability they will certainly not be able to meet them.

Appropriate instructions should also be understood by your child. Be simple and direct while giving instructions to make sure they get them. You can start by calling their name or kneel down, put your hand gently on their shoulder, and talk to them face to face. You may also ask them to repeat your instructions, or do them with them once. For example, before mealtimes, you can wash your hands with them. Then tap their seat, look at them and say, "Let's start eating." Remember not to phrase it as a question and give them the option to say no.

You might think, "My instructions are clear enough, why don't they follow?

When a child is not cooperative, parents can try to understand the reasons first.

For example, when you ask your child to tidy up their toys but they ignore you, is it because they were too into playing and missed your instruction? If they understand you but they choose not to follow, is it because they haven't had enough fun yet? Or are there simply too many toys for them to tidy up alone?

Once you realise what challenges they are facing, you may find the right way to guide their behaviour. For example, if they appear to have missed your instruction, you can walk up to them, gently tap them and remind them again. You could also describe their behaviour and feelings to show your understanding before repeating your instruction. Such as, "You look like you're having so much fun… Let's tidy up after you're done with this!"

You could also think of ways to make things easier or more fun for them. Such as placing the toy box by their side before asking them to tidy up. Or suggest, "I'll pick up the red ones, and you pick up the blue ones. Let's see who can get it done first!"

When children don't follow, parents may give in for different reasons. For example, they worry that their child might be difficult, or this would affect their relationship, or they don't want to be too strict with young children. Sometimes it is inevitable for a child to feel upset when disciplined. But setting limits for your child in a gentle and calm manner is an important element in Positive Parenting. By providing what we call Assertive Guidance, you will help them develop self-regulation in the long run.

It can be really frustrating when your child doesn't listen to you. But it's common for children of this age not to follow instructions. You can remind yourself that they are not intentionally acting against you, and try to refrain from scolding and spanking as this might hurt their self-esteem and your relationship. Try to consider their perspective more. Be flexible, yet firm when you are guiding them to cooperate. By doing so, you won't end up spoiling them and may avoid power struggles. You'll also help them learn to follow rules and cooperate.

Super: Appropriate and Assertive Guidance

Narrator: This is what we call Appropriate and Assertive Guidance, a crucial element in Positive Parenting.

To learn more about the other elements of Positive Parenting in DEAR, watch the other videos in this series. You could also visit the website of Family Health Service, Department of Health at www.fhs.gov.hk for more parenting resources.

This video is produced by the Family Health Service of the Department of Health